Thanksgiving

Today I have celebrated Thanksgiving with my family. Not the extended family. My wife, my kids and my pets. We ate our turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, potato salad, home made stuffing, green beans, rice, bread and yams (yuck). Overall was a wonderful meal. Soon it will be time for pumpkin pie with whip topping and jello. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my wonderful family. They make me laugh when I least expect it. I have never known thanksgiving to be so emotional. This year I have been. Times I have shed a few tears and there was time of confusion and uncertainty. My kids, at least the 3 boys will be adopted soon and I am so happy that we can bring some kind of closure for them. They still will need that stability that me and my wife can give them and help them when they are down. The confusion has been with our love bug. What do you say to her other than that you will always be there for her? How can I know that I will always be there for her? When her mom still has control of the situation there will always be uncertainty. But for now I am there for her. I will be there for her as long as she is around me. I will stand and fight for her. I am thankful that I have her with us now. Maybe next week, or next month, or maybe a year from now, she may go back to her mom. But for now, she is safe and I am thankful for that.
I am thankful for my wonderful wife Lisa. She is the rock that is constant in my life. We have been through our ups and downs and she has never wavered. I can say that without her I would be lost. Before I met her, I didn't want kids. I didn't want to be that responsible parent. I was selfish and ignorant to what I would have missed without her. I am thankful for every moment that we are together as a family. Love goes out to my wife and kids because they are the best.

A Piece Missing.

Just sitting here on a Saturday night relaxing with my wife and thinking how life has changed so much in the last 20 years of my life. From moving from Colorado to Idaho, finishing school in a different state and not graduating with the kids I grew up with. Working almost 5 years in a dead end job, moving back to Colorado. Drinking and partying like a rock star, getting a DWAI. Meeting the woman of my dreams, getting married. The lose of children, the gain of a little angel, to losing her too. To have hope that our little angel will forever be in our home, to three boys in our house and waking up at 4 in the morning to drive a hour and a half to a wrestling meet.
With all these changes I have plenty to talk about. I will start with moving away from Colorado. It makes me sad to have lost long friendships along the way. I see my wife have wonderful and beautiful friendships from when she was young. Even though she doesn't see them often, you can see the special bonds they share when they are together. It's like a story that never ends. It is the movie you see these kids growing up finding their way and sharing it together.
I have some great relationships that I am proud to say that I have kept through the years. Tim has been there with me through some great times and not so great times together. I was invited to his wedding in 2000 which I was unable to make due to lack of a job at the time. He has been there when I have been sick and has come seen me in the hospital when I was there for 5 days. I did go out and help him and his family move to Colorado. He flew me out to Chicago so I could meet his family and get to know his wife. What a beautiful family. I couldn't have asked for a better friendship than what he has given me.
There is my friend Jon. I still remember the first day I met him. I started a new school in a town that I just moved to called American Falls Idaho. My birth place. I remember Jon was at the door to the school, stuck out his hand and introduced himself to me. At the time I didn't know if I would be around long enough to make friends at this new location because of the moves at the time. Turns out I did finish school at AFHS. I did have some great times and not so great times. Hey, it was high school. Jon turned out to be one of my best friends. We hung out, drank on a few occasions. After high school we had a close relationship until I moved away to Colorado in January 1998. We disconnected and after about 7 years with no contact we met again on line. I have always treasured his input and respected him for the guy he is. Honest, truthful, fun but most of all a great friend. I have not seen him for a long time and hope to end that drought soon.
I am often looking back at those childhood friendships that I did have growing up. Living in Greeley Colorado most of the kids I knew didn't know anywhere else but Greeley. We grew up on the north side, which at the time wasn't as bad as it is now, but still had a reputation. I remember Danny, Rafael, Ernie just a few on the top of my mind. We went to school together since I could remember. When I left Colorado I lost all communication with everyone. I wrote a couple of letters to friends and they wrote to me but after a couple of letters things just died. I was separated from all that I knew. When I moved back to Colorado I was hopeful that I could pick things up as though I didn't leave. Boy was I wrong. It was like moving to a whole new life again.
I am in a much better place now but I still want those relationships back. Just to be able to talk to people and talk about old times together. I am envious of the people that can share those special moments together. Remember when? Do you remember? How about that time we .....? I miss those. I have special moments with my wife now that I can look back with her and reminisce about those things. I am grateful and appreciate all the wonderful people in my life. Lets make our times special and make them count. I love my friends and family.

10 years of Happiness

I have to admit when I met my wife I wasn't sure what direction it would go. Should I call her or just do as I normally do, not call. I made the right decision, I called her a few days later. The cool off time. Not too long, not too short. When I called her, I asked her out for dinner and drinks afterwards. I had a great time and for once I felt a real connection. You know when you date and you try to find a spark? You have to go out a few times to see where the feelings are going. What kind of things you have in common? It took only the one date. She had this smile that was infectious. She had the best laugh. I even remember the jokes that I made and she laughed at. We danced, I smiled, I was already falling. I didn't really know that I was falling then but I know it now. How could one date make me feel this way? It was like knowing someone you knew from childhood. But I just met her. WOW. So we started dating. A few dates and spending time with this woman, I felt something that I have never felt before, LOVE! I fell in love with her. She made me feel special. She made me nervous. She made me happy. True happiness for the first time in my life. We continued dating and I asked her to marry me on the 4th of July in 2000. It was a hot and trying time for her family, and mine as well. I was nervous about asking her, and when she said," This is the worst 4th of July ever!!!!" I was a wreck on the inside. When the time was right and the fireworks were flying I got to one knee looked into her eyes and asked her that question of love. Will You Marry Me? It was magical. Time stood still and the tears in her eyes. The fireworks in the distance. I couldn't stand the wait. She said yes. On September 11, 2001 we witnessed one of the worst days for The United States of America. The towers hit, the planes crashing, the people dying, the Twin Towers collapsing. A day I will never forget. A little over a month before our wedding. We were sad, nervous, and anxious. With all of the tragedy going on in the world could we get all of our loved ones together to celebrate what was supposed to be one of the best days of our lives together. We did. On October 19, 2001 I married my best friend. The one person that I could tell my deepest darkest secrets to. The one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. The one person that would be there for the best of times and the worst of times. You know looking back at all of the times that we have had since that day, I wouldn't trade any of them. My wife has made me stronger than I could ever have imagined. She is the reason that I live. She has made me happy for our 10 years together. I could not have asked for a better partner, a better friend, a better wife. After 10 years together it seems like days. I cannot believe 10 years have past. I am a happy man today. I am a better man today. I love you Lisa Bernal. You are my everything. I hope you have a wonderful anniversary my wife. I love you, I love you, I love you.

A new Beggining

I have had 2 back surgeries in the past year. I am patiently waiting for things to happen. The waiting game is the worst. I have learned that things go slow when you need them to go fast. It is said that patience is a virtue. Well I have tested it time and time again. I really hate not being able to pay any of my bills because I haven't gotten paid for over a month. I hate not being able to get the kids their wants while I wait for some money of some kind to come in. I am waiting on hold to try and apply for unemployment benefits for well over a hour and a half, and still waiting. So why not write a post.
 I have begun the process of looking to go to school. I am a little nervous but at the same time looking forward to a new beginning. I really want to work and bring home the money for my family. My body has told on me for a while now. I am diabetic for 6 years now, I have had 3 ankle surgeries, and 2 back surgeries. I am not able to do what I once did. I am no longer that 18 year old that did sports. I am not that 26 year old that worked out all the time. I know that I have to change and I will succeed. What ever classes that I will take I will work hard and do my best to be the best at what I do. Change is on the way and change is good.

Family and Friends

Today just sitting thinking how lucky I have been with the family that I married into. Sure like any family you have your ups and downs, but for the most part I enjoy being a part of it. It does make me sad sometimes too, Knowing that I cannot have the same relationship with my own blood family. I have wonderful friends that I try to keep contact with and enjoy when I am able to spend time catching up.

My wife has a fun family. You have her oldest brother, who when is around is making everyone laugh. You have the next brother that is a little more reserved, at home type of guy. You have her sister that is sometimes too serious and needs to relax a little. Then there is the youngest brother. He is the shy one, the one you want to take under your arms and help out, and then want to smack him at the same time. We all have our own unique qualities in our family and I wish all the best in this family. Lisa's mom is and has been a mother to me since 2000. She is so kindhearted and will give you the shirt off her back. She makes me laugh, she makes me mad, but most of all she makes me feel like her son. Just wanted to say thank you for the wonderful family that I have.

My family you have the oldest that doesn't get it. The second oldest that is unsure of himself and always in his own world, not that I blame him. The next in line is the one that is kind but hard, the one that knows it all, but doesn't. Don't get me wrong but at times he is just an ass. Love him but still. There is me and you can judge for yourself. And the little sister. I wish I could write more about her but have not spent that much time around to know. My dad is nowhere in the picture and I really wish I could say I could care less, but in reality, Who doesn't want that special time and need. My mom has always wanted the best for us, but grew up in a hard way. I don't blame her for being who she is I just wish she would try to accept things as they are.

I have very few friends. Most by choice. I have my best friend who moved from Chicago to Colorado. Every time we spend time around each other it is just plain good times. Watching movies, laughing, and just spending time with each other. I have another great friend in Idaho. I have not seen him in over 13 years but it is still amazing that we can catch up with each other through phone or internet. I would like to see him more and talk more because I think with all my friends we have a different bond.

So you can see that I am all over the place with this blog, but I wanted to share my feelings to the people I care about. I do think of them on a daily basis. Whether for a second or 10 minutes I still think of all these people every day. Good or bad, I still think about these people everyday. Just want you all to know I love you.

Rocks in my pocket are better than rocks in my hand.

When I was in high school we had an assembly about self esteem. The guy continued to talk about if you put all the negative words into rocks, then put them into someone's pack, how heavy would that bag be? It must have meant something to me because I still remember that talk. I understood the deep impact that can have on someone. Yes, I still have thrown my share of rocks. I am not saying that I am proud of that, It is just the human way.

Sometimes I just want to take a rock and throw it as hard as I can at different people. Especially at those that have hurt my children. Social Services has not helped out our little Lovebug. When all was good the case was left opened. When things seemed to start to fall apart at the seams for Lovebug's Bio mom, "We need to close the case because Bio mom is doing everything she needs too." As far as I am concerned that is a pretty shitty thing to do. When someone is in need of help don't find an excuse to let them go in the most vulnerable state. You should hold their hand and walk them through if they are not strong enough to do so on their own.

So with that said, I won't throw anymore rocks. I will put them in my pocket and pray that our Lovebug will come back to us where her home will be her safety net. Where she doesn't have to ask is this my room? Where are my toys? Is this my bed? We will be here for her when she comes home to us. I believe that she will come back but for how long. I am hopeful that we can be the pillar for her castle.  

Time to clean

Listening to some tunes just sitting here thinking about a few things. I like to think of myself as a nice person. I try to do things for people without expectations.

So with that said, I have deleted some people off of my facebook. Not that I dislike or haven't gotten along with them, It's just that I don't have much in common with some of them. I want the rest of my friends on facebook know that I am just cleaning things out. Why be a friend with someone that just sends you requests for farmville or some other game that you don't play. I know that I should probably be deleted by some of you because lets face it, I really haven't talked to you for a while. I am, and have been, fighting a bigger fight as of late. Again, those of you that know me, know what I am talking about.

I believe in what I am doing is the best for me. There are things in life that are in my control and things that are out of my hands. I do hope that in time my heart heals with hope.

Wow, kind of wondered off the subject for a minute. I must have written another paragraph and realized that I made no sense. With that said, I will end this blog for now. Until next time.

Missing you today!

As I sit here today waiting for something to happen, I think of our lovebug. She has meant so much to me and my wife. She has given us hope when all was gone. She has given us our smiles back when we cried for so many years. She has given us reason to be strong when we were weak. Can you believe that one little girl can make so much difference in someones life?
As I write this I find myself crying and I don't care who knows. That is a gift of a daughter that loves you. I will miss you when you are away, but I will be here when you come back. I love you, I love you , I love you. 

What Is What I Say?

Okay, this is my first post of hopefully many. I have thought many times it would be a good idea to write down what I was thinking. My wife, Lisa, has inspired me to start. Her posts help me with some of the same things she is thinking. I thought that I would try it out and share my point of view.
 I do have a few subjects that I would like to talk about. Since this is my first post I'll talk about the name of my blog. There are so many titles that I liked. I thought about it for about 3 weeks. I started to write down a few of them on  a piece of paper and it was the second title on the paper. I showed my wife and she knew which one fit the best. What I say...IS What I Say! She said "It fits you the most!"  I guess she must think that I am very opinionated or that I put my foot in my mouth. I am not sure what to think of that yet.
I guess at times I do say what I am feeling. I think most guys do that too, but sometimes, I like to think I say things that mean something. I probably won't tell you much if I don't know you, but if I do, watch out. As I have told many "It's only cause I love you." I also know that I am going to let a lot of people in on my personal life. It doesn't bother me, but it might bother others. I really don't care who reads what I write. I feel that I have gone through enough to write down when I'm feeling like shit or flying high as an eagle. I don't need to apologize to anyone for my thoughts. Sometimes I will be wrong but not always.
I don't want anyone telling me that remember there are kids on here so watch what you say. F*** off. This is a social network. It gives me the right to say what I want when I want to. If you don't like it don't ask to be my friend. I won't be offended when you deny me as your friend. But if a few words hurt that much talk to me I just might be saying whats on my mind for the moment.
I could go on for a while on this subject. It is because I am passionate about my words. Weather it makes sense to you or not it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to me at times. At the moment I have said what I needed to say.